Well here it is, the beginning of what will surely be, one of my greatest works: A blog about Poop. These adventures are the reason I have gray hairs sprouting on my head, wrinkles on my forehead, and the ever extending laugh lines on my cheeks. These stories are the ones that I pass on to you, my readers. All my inspiration and experience comes from my 3 kids, Jade Marie (10), Eleanore Leigh (4) and my S.U.N, Wyatt Clyde (18 months).

I guarantee that I will use foul language in this blog, (who doesn't when we talk about the silly shit our kids do??) so if you're easily offended, you can put your finger on the screen and miraculously skip over my curse words. They're only verbs right?

These are the Poop Chronicles, for your laughing pleasure my friends and family...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Wyatt's Birth Story

This post, unfortunately, is going into the NPR category (non poop related). There might be a little poo reference here or there, but it's definitely not in the same category as Ellie's poopscapades.

Saturday: September 10th

Mom and I got together that morning for a little coffee and some shopping. We were looking for fabric for tablecloths for Kira and Tyler's wedding in October. We hit up the Wallymart in the Big P (Poway) early in the morning before the crazies showed up. Then we had a healthy breakfast at her house. I had to go home by 10am because Tim was watching both the girls and he needed a bit o' a break. Later in the day, I met my Mom again, this time I had Jade and Ellie and we met Kira at the Party City in Escondido to check out stuff for the wedding. While we were there I started feeling pretty crampy. I had to take a little break and sit down while Kira and Jade went to look at the Tux's in the Men's Warehouse next door. Jade had planned a sleepover with my Mom, so she when we departed, it was just crank-pot Ellie and I going home.

Sunday September 11th

1am: I woke up feeling like shit. My insides were in an uproar since the day before. I thought maybe I over did it by walking around all day shopping, and then cleaning in between shopping trips (what was I thinking!?) I was in the bathroom most of the night thinking...why? Why won't my body just let me sleep? Must I really keep pooping (ahhhh! There it is! The poop reference!) every hour and a half tonight?! (Future moms to be - your body does this unholy thing before birth [that I somehow forgot about...pregnancy brain perhaps] of "cleaning " itself out so you don't shit yourself in the delivery bed. Be thankful. I was.) Anyways, moving on...bathroom again...and ohhh what is THAT??! Oh yes, THAT (gross) is a mucus plug and I'll just stop.right.there. You don't want to know anymore. Moving on...

3:45am: A contraction wakes me up. Not a crazy bad one like the leg cramps, but one hard enough for me to open one eye JUST as I've gone to sleep, and say "ooowwwwwww" outloud. Tim had a horrible night sleep too I'm sure, he must have heard me and asked how I was doing. Not great obviously, because 6 minutes later, I had another, and 6 minutes later, another...another...another...another. So now it's 4:30 in the morning...I'm lying in bed trying to sleep through the contractions. Finally, I said F*ck it out loud and got up to watch some T.V. There is absolutely NOTHING on at 4:30am. Nothing. There are over 700 channels to choose from and at 4:30am...NOTHING is interesting. What WAS interesting was my appetite. I wanted to FEEEEED like never before. I ate a half a box of Raisin Bran from 4:30am to 4:35am. And it was delicious. I don't think I even felt a contraction as I ate. I was just...starving. Meanwhile, I'm contracting...and breathing...and eating...and contracting some more...every 6-8 minutes for like, forevvvverrrrr.

6:00am: Tim got up, asked if I thought this was "IT" and I confirmed, yes, Jesus, this is fucking "IT!!" We're going to have a baby TODAY!!! Holy shit. Then I started panicking. I wasn't packed! Had nothing prepared. At least the house was clean I thought throughout the morning...packing only took a half hour. Then I'm facebooking and my friends are telling me to call the doctor. I'm not supposed to call the doctor until a) my water breaks or b) contractions are 5 minutes apart for 1 hour and lasting 1 minute or longer. My problem: No water breakage AND my contractions were no where NEAR 5 minutes apart AND they were only lasting about 20 to 30 seconds long...but they hurt like a bitch. So at 9:45am, I call the hospital and the midwife that is on call listens to my babbling and tells me very bubbly to come on in.

9:50am: I'm sitting in the car about to have a panic attack because we're actually going to have a baby today!
9:51am: Still freaking out that I'm going to have a baby T.O.D.A.Y.

10:55am: We check in to Labor and Delivery at Scripps Memorial Hospital in La Jolla

11:15am: I'm in the bed with a cute pink gown, signing my life away, not even looking at what I'm signing...it's all standard procedure. Everything is a bluuuurr after that really. Do you want to have this vaccine? Yes? Sign here...no? sign here... In case we mess up, you won't sue us...sign here... OK!!! Bring me drugs! Now!

11:20am: My super, awesome, sweet nurse Kara R. comes in and checks me..."Yep! You are ready! 100% effaced and 5 cm already" ... my jaw literally hit the floor. I could NOT believe that I labored that long at home. It was SUCH a good feeling!! AND my contractions were still bearable...barely. She wanted to know if I wanted the epidural right away or wait and I thought about it for maybe....ONE second. Bring me drugs. The anesthesiologist came in 2 minutes later, I was bawling and screaming my eyes out about 3 minutes later and about 5 minutes after THAT, I was in sweeeet heaven.

12:something o'clock-but-I-have-no-clue-because-by-this-time-I-am-feeling-soooo-good: they broke my water to help things along and told me that I'd probably deliver somewhere around 5pm.

2:something o'clock-still-feeling-groovy: I'm feeling a little pressure in my bum, so I ring for the nurse to let her know. She checks my cervix and is totally shocked...9cm!! She starts rushing around the room, trying to get things in order. I'm pretty sure they didn't expect me to progress this fast. She called for the midwife and 10 minutes later they're asking me to push.

3:54pm: After an hour and a half of hard pushing...I probably told (whined, actually) them 5 trillion times, "I'm don't feel like I'm doing anything here...is he here yet??" (Pushing felt like I was trying to take a big poop, but since my legs and ass were numb...all I felt like I was doing was holding my breath for 10 seconds at a time) I guess I did it right because little Wyatt Clyde Phipps made his joyous and LOUD debut at 3:54pm. He weighed 9lbs 2oz, was 21 inches long, and had the longest feet and fingers I'd ever seen on a baby. Tim and I were overjoyed. Wyatt was perfect. He was a little jaundice a day later, but we got to take him home on my birthday, the 13th. It was the best birthday present ever.

(Tim's account of the whole day was something along the lines of: we checked in, she cried, she laughed, she acted kind of crazy/funny, the nurse did something to her, she felt like she had to poop, she pushed, it smelled, the baby came out, he cried, he is awesome. the end.]


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

"Look Mom"

When you think of your child saying, "Look Mom!" what do you picture? I've heard that phrase a thousand times it seems, and yes, every time it's said...I look. Most of the time, it's one of the kids doing a new dance move, trying on some dress up clothes, showing me the newest toy they'd like for Christmas or their birthday. However, never before did I expect a "Look Mom!" to make my nose scrunch up and almost gag.

We make it a priority to ask Ellie if she needs to sit on the potty at least once every 20 minutes. Since she's been doing so well with potty training, she usually says no, but then she goes on her own about 5 minutes after we ask. Sometimes, especially after waking up from a nap, we get hysterical NOOOOOO's and I don't WANNNAAAAAA's...so we just leave her alone to cry it out. Don't need any of THAT crazy rubbing off on me.

So yesterday, she wakes up from her afternoon nap with a little touch of crazy...I'd already asked her if she needed to go potty...I got tears and wails of course, so I figured she'd let me know if she had to go. Ohhhh, did she let me know.


She looks at me. I look at her. She looks at her feet. I look at her feet...and the pee starts to flow.

Whhhaaaat!!? How do you just stand there and pee yourself kiddo?! Especially after I JUST asked if you had to go? So we change her panties, wash her off, clean up the floor/scrub the carpet...she's good to go right? right???? riiiiiiiiiighhht...2 minutes later:


"No fucking way."

Thursday, September 1, 2011

A New Chapter

Big Girl Panties. That is the name of my new chapter. One would think that I'd be so happy that we're finally AT this chapter. For so long, the end was bleak and dark. Constant diaper changing, poopscapades of all sorts and wiping incidents...but now we're actually getting somewhere. We're making head way and of course, with new territories, comes new and unusual challenges.

(If you've never seen the movie Despicable Me, you should go netflix the shit out of that movie. It is to die for. Your kids will love it and you will come away with a deep affection for Gru, the main character. Plus the soundtrack is really fun.)


That must have been what happened in Ellie's head one morning, because she woke up out of the blue and refused a diaper. She wanted Big Girl Panties...so BGP's she received. On our first day, she ran to the bathroom screaming at the top of her lungs, "The Pee-Pee is coming! The Pee-Pee is coming!" All Paul Revere style. Day 2 was a little harder, it was super hot out so we didn't want to go outside and suffocate from the humidity...therefore the tv was on and she kind of lost focus for a little bit. I think we had 2 accidents that day. Then she just gave up. NOPE! Don't wanna! Not sitting on the potty. I hate stickers! I hate candy! Can't make me. That was her attitude for about a week. I think I jinxed it by posting something on facebook. I shouldn't have done that...that's all it takes is believing that it's happening, and then poof! it's gone. Blaaaaah!!!

So we go on our yearly vacation to Carlsbad State Beach and we're having a great time and out of the blue again, Ellie wants the Big Girl Panties. This time, I don't have any, they are hanging out at home in the drawer with a big 'useless' sign taped over them...so she has to settle for going to the bathroom with a pull up on. 2 days of potty training at the beach! Who would have thought?! As soon as we got home, it was BGP's again and it's been like this for over a week now! We've had a few accidents, but now we're getting her to go poop and pee on the potty every day!

Now for the "New challenges:"

#1: Public Bathrooms. Two words: fucking gross
How the hell am I supposed to train my 2 year old not to touch the toilet?! If she doesn't touch the sides of it to hold herself up, she falls in the hole (one of her biggest fears and why she DIDN'T want to sit on the potty to begin with). So I'm the "washing hands" Nazi from hell now. Those paper things are awesome, but Ellie loves to crinkle them, so we still end up touching the nasty toilet. So f'ing gross.

#2: Accidents. Three words: SO fucking gross
I am totally ok with them happening, I know they are going to happen, I just wish they happened when Daddy is on duty. No, it's usually me. What the HELL do you do with poopy panties???!! WHERE are you supposed to clean those fuckers? The first time I rinsed them out in the tub...Oh Mother of Zues! GROSS!!! Not only do I have shitty panties, but now I have a shitty tub to clean. That was super dumb of me. My mother in law suggested using the toilet. Flushing with clean water and swirling the panties in the water as the poop is washed away...I'm afraid I'll let go and then clog the toilet so I've only tried that once. Not ok with it. Perhaps outside? I think not...I'll have ants everywhere looking for a free disgusting meal. Ewwww. So I've done what I'm hoping most parents do: check the poop. By Ellie's standards it's either going to be "mushy" or "nuggets." Nuggets are easy to get rid of...those little guys just wanna roll right out and plop into the toilet. Super. I can clean that, but "Mushy" panties...no, no, no, no...I've tossed probably 3 pairs of BGP's away on account that they were just too damn "Mushy."

#3 I'm-mad-at-you-and-don't-wanna-listen-so-I'm-just-going-to-Pee-on-your-damn-floor-accidents! Four (and Four lettered) words: Losing my damn patience.
This one. Oooohhh. This one takes the cake. This new "challenge" makes me want to ring my child with a princess jump rope while stepping on her new fish. First you get the attitude. Then you get the sassiness (all of which she's learned from her sister I think). Then she tells me "NO!" And then of course, I get the evil stare AND she pees!!! She knows she's doing something wrong, but she's going to pee on MY newly washed floor because she KNOWS that I just cleaned it, and that I'll have to do it AGAIN! Also, after a week and a half of potty training, she's pretty good at going pee-pee all by herself, so this is just out of SPITE. I've been demoted to an ass-wiper (fine by me really). She's going to start cleaning her own mess pretty soon. We'll nip that sassy-tell-me-no attitude REAL fast if she's mopping up pee with a towel. Gotta teach these gremlins some respect huh?! Am I right?! :)

So this is where we're at with Potty training...we're learning, and it's fun, and I HOPEFULLY just bought my last package of pull ups! H.O.P.E.F.U.L.L.Y