Well here it is, the beginning of what will surely be, one of my greatest works: A blog about Poop. These adventures are the reason I have gray hairs sprouting on my head, wrinkles on my forehead, and the ever extending laugh lines on my cheeks. These stories are the ones that I pass on to you, my readers. All my inspiration and experience comes from my 3 kids, Jade Marie (10), Eleanore Leigh (4) and my S.U.N, Wyatt Clyde (18 months).

I guarantee that I will use foul language in this blog, (who doesn't when we talk about the silly shit our kids do??) so if you're easily offended, you can put your finger on the screen and miraculously skip over my curse words. They're only verbs right?

These are the Poop Chronicles, for your laughing pleasure my friends and family...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


I had a great doctor appointment today. The last 8-10 times I've been in, the Doctor measures my belly, we listen to the heartbeat, he asks me if I have any concerns (I usually don't because really...it's my third kid. I could care less, I just want him out) and then we leave.

Well today my doctor was on vacation, no biggie, I got to see the nurse practitioner. While I'm waiting for her to enter the room, the nurse comes back in and tells me I have to put on a gown. I have to get swabbed for strep B. Again, I'm thinking no biggie.

Everything this morning was kind of a "no biggie" until Ellie pooped in the doctor's office. It was all downhill from that moment on...I forgot the diaper backpack in the car...she has some 70's retro style purple shorts on that are too tight for her booty, I'm thinking she's going to leak right out of her diaper and I'll be screwed. Meanwhile, I have NO pants on, a paper sheet tied around my waist, and the little waiting office/room is starting to ferment. To top that off, the windows won't open and Ellie is bored out of her mind.

I did what any parent would do: ignore the fact that she pooped. Nope, that TOTALLY didn't work!! Ellie tells me that she poops by squatting and grabbing her ass saying, "Mommy, it really squishy poopy." (I'm trying not to laugh of course). Then she starts singing a song about poop, really, really, loud...the walls are paper thin and I can hear the people in the next room laughing. Finally, she sits on the ground, puts her feet under her butt (kind of sitting on her knees and resting her booty on her feet) and starts moving from side to side singing, "squishing the poopy, Mommy!!!! I'm squishing the pooooo peeeeee!" I have to tell her 3 or four times to get the hell up and quit mushing her poop in her diaper. She thinks its funny.

Then I messed up. I checked the back of her pants to see how far she squished the poop... NOT.A.GOOD.IDEA. I ruined the rest of the good air in the room, completely. Now I'm suffocating from fecal air and in walks the doctor. Her face sours like she just bit into a 3 week old rotten lime, and she says, "Ohhh! I think someone pooped. Let's make this quick."

We were out in 2 minutes.

Back at the car, changing the diaper ... it's green. Absolutely green and putrid.

Here is the quadratic formula for that diaper recipe:

1 small carton of blueberries + 1 three year old - a diaper bag = green poop

I'll skip the blueberries at the store next time I think.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

1 Square at a time

Many of you know that I have had major "difficulties and challenges" in potty training Eleanore for the last 6 months... I use "difficulties and challenges" as a very loose, loose term because on more than one occasion (maybe closer to 10 occasions) she has been found without a diaper, drawing circles, faces and other magical creatures on some random flooring and/or cabnitry in our house (or someone ELSE's house) with of course, her favorite writing utensil, her own poop. So that scenario in itself is really above and beyond "difficult and challenging" ... it's more like: fucking discusting.

So you get the picture: my kid is a poop artist. Lately, we've had less poop drawings and more of what I will dub as "wiping incidents." Now a wiping incident is just as bad as a poop drawing. Ellie will go stealth. And I don't mean just quiet...she will hide, hide well, and not respond to anyone calling her...complete stealth. While she's invincible to the world, she will poop in her pull up. I have to use my super-human-8-month-prenant-detecting nose to find her usually. However, usually, she waits and watches me, to make sure I am doing something that I can't leave right away, like cooking dinner or washing the dishes. After pooping, she will go into our bedroom, take out the wipes and a new diaper from the basket at the foot of our bed, and procede to change her own diaper.

"Oh my gosh, she is so smart!" some of you would say... Yes, and no. Yes, she is smart, she can wipe her own ass...NO, she is still is 2 and no doubt, can't do anything without making a huge damn mess!! So we end up having a shit-streaked Ellie; she gets the front to back thing really well, but how FAR is really where the mess goes is what I'm talking about. Wiping from her butt to her lower back usually results in her just moving poop from one area to another. Then she will sit down on the carpet (yes I said carpet...another 2 things that don't mix well...poop & carpet) and again try to wipe herself. She comes out of our bedroom, smelling like poop, looking like a poop covered enclaire and totally proud of herself. She's a super kid. So we usually end up getting a REALLY good bath when those days come along.

Now on to the main point of this post today... yesterday, a good and wonderful friend of mine came over to say goodbye before she left on her 7 hour plane ride back to Fayatteville, North Carolina. We were sitting on the ground and Ellie was with us, climbing over and in between our legs, and the following conversation took place:

Miss Julie: "Ellie, when are you going to be a big girl?"
Ellie: "I am a big girl"
Miss Julie: "No, I thought big girls were the ones that go pee-pee on the potty by themselves. You still have a pull up on"
Ellie: "I be a big girl today"

That was the jist of it...Ellie lost interest in us and soon turned her focus to Kaia, Miss Julie's beautiful dog. Julie and I went on with our previous conversation and thought nothing of it.

As soon as Julie left, Ellie pooped, I caught the scent early (whew!), and I changed her. She wanted big girl panties, (no pull up) so I asked her why big girl panties now, and she simply said, "(something I couldn't understand here) because Miss Julie said so." Well, low and behold, Eleanore Leigh Phipps stayed dry in those big girl panties for almost 5 hours. Every 15 minutes she ran to the bathroom to try, screaming, "The Poo-Poo is coming" or "The Pee-Pee is coming" ...she reminded me of Paul Revere. And finally, at 8:36pm, she ACTUALLY went Pee-Pee in the potty all by herself...TWICE! (THANK YOU MISS JULIEEEEE!!!!!)

So for those other 50 times that she didn't go, but sat on the potty, she would pull one sqaure of toilet paper and wipe herself, over and over again. I think she wasted a whole roll in those 5 hours and probably 45 gallons of water from flushing the toilet unneccesarily...but who gives a flying Ellie shit!! I was so stoked that she actually sat and peed those 2 times!!!

So this morning, we're in big girl panties again...we've gone through 10 sqaures of toilet paper, but we'll get there, eventually! One square at a time.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Hair Clips and noses don't mix

Being 8 months pregnant in the summer is one of the crappiest things I can think of going through. Luckily, I've done it now THREE times! Whoohoo on my timing huh!?! So I can safely say, I'm an expert. One of the best things about being pregnant in the summer, is the lovely insomnia. Last night I was up at least 5 times. My bladder is the size of a pea. This S.U.N of mine likes to bounce on it like a rubber bouncy ball. So when I finally get to sleep at 4am, and I get those 3 hours of wonderful sleep, it's a big bonus. What is NOT a bonus is the manner of waking up. Today, it was my precious little Ellie and one of my plastic hair clips. Let's just say, my nose is sore and scratched. She thought it would be a great idea to pinch my nose with my hair clip to get me up. Granted, I had been ignoring her for about 10 minutes while she patted my back and said my name softly over and over, "Mommy, it's time to wake up, I want some serrrllll (cereal)"... tomorrow I'm definitely getting up before her, but only if I sleep well. Soooo very doubtful. It will probably be a cup of cold water on my face tomorrow. Hopefully, she's not that smart yet.