Well here it is, the beginning of what will surely be, one of my greatest works: A blog about Poop. These adventures are the reason I have gray hairs sprouting on my head, wrinkles on my forehead, and the ever extending laugh lines on my cheeks. These stories are the ones that I pass on to you, my readers. All my inspiration and experience comes from my 3 kids, Jade Marie (10), Eleanore Leigh (4) and my S.U.N, Wyatt Clyde (18 months).

I guarantee that I will use foul language in this blog, (who doesn't when we talk about the silly shit our kids do??) so if you're easily offended, you can put your finger on the screen and miraculously skip over my curse words. They're only verbs right?

These are the Poop Chronicles, for your laughing pleasure my friends and family...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


I had a great doctor appointment today. The last 8-10 times I've been in, the Doctor measures my belly, we listen to the heartbeat, he asks me if I have any concerns (I usually don't because really...it's my third kid. I could care less, I just want him out) and then we leave.

Well today my doctor was on vacation, no biggie, I got to see the nurse practitioner. While I'm waiting for her to enter the room, the nurse comes back in and tells me I have to put on a gown. I have to get swabbed for strep B. Again, I'm thinking no biggie.

Everything this morning was kind of a "no biggie" until Ellie pooped in the doctor's office. It was all downhill from that moment on...I forgot the diaper backpack in the car...she has some 70's retro style purple shorts on that are too tight for her booty, I'm thinking she's going to leak right out of her diaper and I'll be screwed. Meanwhile, I have NO pants on, a paper sheet tied around my waist, and the little waiting office/room is starting to ferment. To top that off, the windows won't open and Ellie is bored out of her mind.

I did what any parent would do: ignore the fact that she pooped. Nope, that TOTALLY didn't work!! Ellie tells me that she poops by squatting and grabbing her ass saying, "Mommy, it really squishy poopy." (I'm trying not to laugh of course). Then she starts singing a song about poop, really, really, loud...the walls are paper thin and I can hear the people in the next room laughing. Finally, she sits on the ground, puts her feet under her butt (kind of sitting on her knees and resting her booty on her feet) and starts moving from side to side singing, "squishing the poopy, Mommy!!!! I'm squishing the pooooo peeeeee!" I have to tell her 3 or four times to get the hell up and quit mushing her poop in her diaper. She thinks its funny.

Then I messed up. I checked the back of her pants to see how far she squished the poop... NOT.A.GOOD.IDEA. I ruined the rest of the good air in the room, completely. Now I'm suffocating from fecal air and in walks the doctor. Her face sours like she just bit into a 3 week old rotten lime, and she says, "Ohhh! I think someone pooped. Let's make this quick."

We were out in 2 minutes.

Back at the car, changing the diaper ... it's green. Absolutely green and putrid.

Here is the quadratic formula for that diaper recipe:

1 small carton of blueberries + 1 three year old - a diaper bag = green poop

I'll skip the blueberries at the store next time I think.

No comments:

Post a Comment