Well here it is, the beginning of what will surely be, one of my greatest works: A blog about Poop. These adventures are the reason I have gray hairs sprouting on my head, wrinkles on my forehead, and the ever extending laugh lines on my cheeks. These stories are the ones that I pass on to you, my readers. All my inspiration and experience comes from my 3 kids, Jade Marie (10), Eleanore Leigh (4) and my S.U.N, Wyatt Clyde (18 months).

I guarantee that I will use foul language in this blog, (who doesn't when we talk about the silly shit our kids do??) so if you're easily offended, you can put your finger on the screen and miraculously skip over my curse words. They're only verbs right?

These are the Poop Chronicles, for your laughing pleasure my friends and family...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Blame it on the Dog

Several incidents have happened recently that I can't even begin to tell you how funny they are...

We've had Ellie experiment with putting things down the toilet. A whole role of toilet paper was donated to the cause. Grandma actually cleaned up that mess while I was busy giving Ellie a big ol' swat on the ass. She had learned that trick from her cousin Max. He likes to put shoes, wipes, anything that's available down the toilet in his house. I think his Mom, my sister in law, Kira, was telling me about that one day while in ear shot of both Ellie and Max. Wouldn't you know it, that tp roll incident happened the VERY same day! Who would guess 2 year olds knew how to eavesdrop on conversations! :)

Ellie is still peeing on the floor whenever I put her in time out. (so at least ONCE a day) Usually, she's on time out for being too rough with her brand new baby brother, Wyatt. So now, she knows exactly where the floor cleaner is, the don't-have-a-match-crud-towels are, and she knows to put her dirty clothes in the hamper. Even after having her clean up her own mess (supervised of course...I don't let my 3 year old use household chemicals without watching her! duh.) she still hasn't learned not to pee on the floor. I'm just hoping her preschool teacher doesn't piss her off. She'll get kicked outta preschool for those kind of shenanigans I'm sure.

Speaking of peeing...Max was over at our house last week, and the two of them were in the bathroom together. I was standing in the doorway watching them go potty, taking turns... Max went first. Our toilet is kind of high, so he stood up to pee. Very natural. Go boys for standing up and peeing! whoohooo. Medal winners. So Ellie is watching him and after he's done...she goes to the toilet, pulls down her pants, stands in front of the porcelain and takes aim! I have just enough time to look over (was helping Max wash his hands) and yell "Nooo no no no no Ellie. Girls get to sit on the toilet like ladies, boys have to stand up."

A few days later, (yesterday in fact) Ellie and I are outside watering and playing in the garden. She gets her clothes wet and takes them all off. That usually happens on a daily basis. So she's prancing around in her undies...and before you know it, there she is, panties off and peeing like a boy in the garden. I didn't really get mad, because it's pretty damn funny if you ask me. Hopefully, she won't be doing that at a regular park, out in public, or at her school. If THAT happens, oh Christ-Bananas, that's going to just MAKE my day!!! So I take Wyatt in the house, he's sacked out now from being in the Baby Bjorn for a bit, and I come back outside. Sitting on the concrete is a nice HUGE ball of shit with Ellie's name ALL over it. This time I got mad. Nobody shits on MY concrete and gets away with it. So I asked in my Mommy-angry-voice, "Eleanore Leigh, WHAT is THAT on the ground??!"

Her reply: (wait for it...because it's so fucking funny)

"It's my ball of Poo-poo Mommy. Karah made me do it."

Karah is our DOG.

So when in doubt...blame the dog.


  1. Jesus girl, dont know how you do it and still have a smile on your face!! Sorry the "clean it herself" didnt work, it worked for Finn, I am fresh fucking outta ideas for ya!!! Good Luck!!!

  2. LMAO, Oh you've got your hands full with that one!