Well here it is, the beginning of what will surely be, one of my greatest works: A blog about Poop. These adventures are the reason I have gray hairs sprouting on my head, wrinkles on my forehead, and the ever extending laugh lines on my cheeks. These stories are the ones that I pass on to you, my readers. All my inspiration and experience comes from my 3 kids, Jade Marie (10), Eleanore Leigh (4) and my S.U.N, Wyatt Clyde (18 months).

I guarantee that I will use foul language in this blog, (who doesn't when we talk about the silly shit our kids do??) so if you're easily offended, you can put your finger on the screen and miraculously skip over my curse words. They're only verbs right?

These are the Poop Chronicles, for your laughing pleasure my friends and family...

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Skunk and Tuna

"Mommy, poo-poo smells like skunk and pee-pee smells like tuna" -Ellie Phipps

Well there you have it folks, from the mouth of babes, Skunk and tuna. I don't know what possesses her to have to tell me, daily, the consistency of her bowel movements. Maybe it's just a fascinating subject to kiddos. Their body made this nastiness and here it is in a bowl of water to look at. It's just magnified for ALL to see! Yeah! (whoaa, totally sarcastic here) I've caught Ellie just sitting on the floor with her chin resting on the toilet bowl, staring deeply into the toilet, having a conversation with her dearly departed shits. W.t.f child??! Wash your damn hands AND your face now.

Recently, I've found myself stepping in puddles. Puddles of pee that is. Gross, yes I know. Apparently, I have a puppy in my house?? No, not a puppy...a 3 year old who likes to use her new found potty training abilities to control me. At first, I used to have to stop what I was doing, clean it all up, be nice and show her where the toilet is and what to do...now, after I found out its a fucking game to her, SHE gets to clean up the mess AND clean the floor. The problem is that she waits to long to go to the bathroom. She refuses to go when I ask her. So then I see her doing THE dance. This isn't your average little kid dance where they are trying to bounce up and down, stomp their feet and clap their hands...No, Ellie's pee-pee dance is quite funny. She runs around in circles. So if you're ever at our house or babysitting her and she starts running in circles...she has to pee. Every now and again though...I step in a puddle.

Moving on to more important topics (This next one is a total Ellie classic)
We've *(and by we I mean ELLIE) had the pleasure of identifying body parts. She loves the song, "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" ... in addition to those, she has asked about her and Wyatt's different private parts. (Already, I know, you're probably laughing because really, 3 year olds and talking about private parts...it's not private. She asks publicly ALL the time, SO fucking embarrassing...but I'm keeping count.)

Ellie: "What's THAT???" (pointing to Wyatt's wiener)
Me: "That is Wyatt's private part, it's called a penis"
Ellie: "PENIS????? HAHAHAHAHAA!!!! WyWy has a Penis!?" (I'm already giggling as Im changing him and she's watching )
Ellie: "Do I have a penis?"
Me: "No sweetheart, girls have a vagina, and boys have a penis"
Ellie: "A gina??"
Me: "Va-va-Vagina" (and then I'm thinking...should I really be teaching her this word?? But whatever, it's the scientific term, and I'd rather her say vagina, then some of the other terms that its called)

She kind of loses interest at this point...until the other day, when we had our friends Julie and Brian over... Ellie asks Julie...whispering..."Do YOU have a vagina?" and while Julie and I were starring at each other, laughing inside and trying not to draw too much attention to what Ellie had just said, she replied...whispering..."Yes, Ellie, I do."

So there you have it. Vagina.

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