Well here it is, the beginning of what will surely be, one of my greatest works: A blog about Poop. These adventures are the reason I have gray hairs sprouting on my head, wrinkles on my forehead, and the ever extending laugh lines on my cheeks. These stories are the ones that I pass on to you, my readers. All my inspiration and experience comes from my 3 kids, Jade Marie (10), Eleanore Leigh (4) and my S.U.N, Wyatt Clyde (18 months).

I guarantee that I will use foul language in this blog, (who doesn't when we talk about the silly shit our kids do??) so if you're easily offended, you can put your finger on the screen and miraculously skip over my curse words. They're only verbs right?

These are the Poop Chronicles, for your laughing pleasure my friends and family...

Friday, July 26, 2013

Toilet water and how to avoid it

How many of you have ever TASTED toilet water???

Well this MAY or MAY NOT have JUST happened. (I swear if you bring in up to me in real life I will deny! deny! deny!) ...but here's a little story for you that I think you will want to throw up to. Grab a bucket.

I'm writing an email to a buddy of mine, (we're planning the most spectacular baby shower at the moment for my sister in law) and I have my glass of quality H20 on my desk... I've finished the water and had been munching on the ice for 10 minutes (I knoooowww, its so bad for your teeth, whatever, I'm a biter...I need something to bite from time to time.)  

Anyhoooo, Wyatt...little stinker that he's been for the last MONTH it seems like, comes into our room and sees my cup of water. He looks at me (with these big ol' beautiful baby blues that I just want to steal and put in my own eye sockets) and nods his little head like I'm going to automatically approve because of his cuteness or something... takes my water and says, "Mine?" 

I say, "suuuuuure, what's mine is always going to be taken by you kids anyways...goooo for it."

So he walks away with my cup, reaching his grubby little hand into the ice and I hear him munching away down the hallway. Five minutes goes by... he comes back with my cup. It has maybe 4 inches of water in it. I look at him and say, "Ohhh Thank you WyWy! You got Mommy some new water!!?"

(Now KEEP in mind he's been able to activate the fridge for a month now as well. Just pushes the little button and water spills all over the fridge and floor... because he just LOVES to push my buttons (pun intended). So that is where my brain was... thinking "fridge" the WHOLE time.)

I take the cup from him, and take a BIIIIIIIIG ol' gulp. IMMEDIATELY my brain says "Oh fuck, this is SOOOO not refrigerator water!!!" and I lurch it all back in the cup, hacking my brains out, thinking to myself, "Noooo! Noo! NOOOOO! Aaaaahhhh NOOOO! Please don't be what I think that is!!"

Wyatt is looking at me like I am bat-shit-crazy-momma-lady and I said hoarsely, "Wyatt, where did you get this water??"  He just GRINS at me. Little Fucker! I knew it!!! I'm wracking my brain, thinking: I don't remember hearing him climb the stool, don't remember the sound of the water from the sink...it is definetly not refrigerator water... so I get up. I have to. My shoulders are slumped, I'm dragging my feet...because I just KNOW what I'm going to find in the kids bathroom!

Door is open...*(he figured out how to de-kid-proof those too in the last month)...so Door is OPEN...no stool in the bathroom, which means it's in Ellie's room being used as a diving board for the Barbies, so he couldn't use the sink....looking towards the toilet...

Toilet seat is up. That is all. Open.

Toilet water taste like shit by the way. Pun absolutely INTENDED. It was "clean" water... and by clean, I mean no floaties or mellow yellow from Ellie-The-Toilet-Training-Failure.

But seriously, if you're ever over here at my house, don't take anything that Wyatt hands you and put it in your mouth. He doesn't really want to poison you...he JUST wants to watch you grin and eat shit.

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